So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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