my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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