Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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