I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
