he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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