I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
