This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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