yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
