Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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