I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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