If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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