Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Randomize
