Your face is a jimmy john
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
