my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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