sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
