he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
