Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
