Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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