I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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