I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
