so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I party with great urgency now.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
