i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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