i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
