thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
