dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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