I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
