White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
