theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
pop tarts are not kleenex
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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