I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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