Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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