she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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