dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
