i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
