a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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