my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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