Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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