I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
