Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
