two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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