i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
