hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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