I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
