I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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