I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
