why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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