Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
