I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Randomize
