We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
