Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
