I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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