No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
