I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
