If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
