i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
