Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
