you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
last night I used snow as a chaser
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
